Being a long distance grandma

I find myself thinking about my little grandson all of the time. I miss him and his parents so much that sometimes it actually hurts.

I'm afraid that I'm a bit of a pest sometimes because I end up calling them all of the time; any little thing can trigger a memory or thought that keeps them on my mind constantly. My biggest fear is that my grandson will forget about me if I'm out of sight too long. However, when we do manage to get there for a visit he always seems so happy to see me and wants me to hold him all of the time; that means that I get to spend my visits with them elated...as it should be!

They do send pictures fairly regularly, but that really doesn't take the place of real time grandparenting. It's something that you really need to be there for. And believe me when I say that I know that I am not the only long distance grandparent out there wishing to be closer to her loved ones. And saying that this situation 'sucks' isn't even adequate enough to explain the helplessness that you feel for not being able to fill up that big black hole in your gut that's supposed to be filled with overflowing love going out and coming back from the grandparenting experience. There is no way to put into words the feeling that comes with the grandparent/grandchild connection; there is nothing else quite like it. The parenting experience is great, but the grandparent gig is like the frosting on the cake; the further extension of yourself and your children and it all comes together like golden threads.

When my son was young I had the opportunity to hug and kiss that little prince to death every chance that I got. I even used to take every Wednesday off when he was very young and called it 'Rian day' and let him pick out whatever activity that he wanted for us to do together. I knew that as a single mom I had to make our time together as special as I could because being his sole support meant that I had to work all of the time. As a matter of fact there were times when he pointed that out to me to let me know that he felt cheated - I was NOT the cool-aid mom - according to him. I wasn't the mom who was home all day who passed out treats and cool-aid to the neighborhood kids...but in fact there weren't too many moms around like that anyway. I still felt quilty and still do when I think about it.

Still, the issue at hand here is what to do about the distance. My son asks me all of the time to move to Florida where they currently live. As a matter of fact, my 14 year old daughter is going to move in with them for a year and he has even used this as the "...motive to make the move happen..." - but no can do right now; I have other things to deal with that will keep me here for a while. I will ponder it though...that is for certain.

November 2006 -
Some time has passed since I last blogged about the distance between myself and my kids and grandchild.

Amanda is indeed in Florida with her brother but things have changed. I'm going to go to Florida to be with them through to the end of the winter and beginning of Spring. Amanda and I need to reconnect; but that is not the only reason. I'm dying to see my son, daugher-in-law and grandson, but the really big news is that grandchild number 2 is coming sometime in early February. With all of this going on, how could I NOT be there?

So I'm currently job hunting in Florida instead of just North Carolina. I do have one month of employment to lock in here until I leave; mix Christmas and surgery into that time frame and it pretty much completes the picture for now. My husband and stepson will stay here because he's in school and can't go anywhere right now. Amanda is coming for Christmas and we're excited to get here back here; for that the time is passing very slowly for us both.

All in all, I'm really looking forward to reconnecting to all of the kids (whatever the age) and it is killing me to have to wait, but wait I must.

Update:
Baby Izelle Nevaeh Fehrman came into this world on February 7, 2007 in Clearwater Florida. She was 8lbs 5oz, 21 inches long...big baby! She is also very beautiful; she looks like a little cookie cutter of her mom. We're all very excited to have her here finally; we've counted all fingers and toes and everything is a go!






July 2007

Have been to Florida and back. No jobs in either locations. While I was there I developed a terrible cough and can't seem to catch my breath at all. I ended up in the hospital for two days and had x-rays, cat scans and all sorts of blood work and tests done. They found some damage to my lungs; scarring and partially deflated lungs at the bottom. They threw around words like COPD, fibrosis and IPF or ILD. Apparently the damage is related to one or more things: chemical, repeated pneumonia or asbestos; however, Lupus is the most likely cause.

Every time I've had a job interview, the cough and the inability to hear has sabotaged my efforts to find employment. As soon as I begin to talk I start coughing so badly I can bearly catch my breath. I don't know how bad this is going to get, or for how long I will have to tolerate it, but from what the doctor told me it could become increasingly worse and possibly fatal.

The strange thing is, a week after I got home (NC), which was two weeks after having my last x-ray and doctor's appointment in Florida; I had an appointment here in Garner, NC with my doctor who ordered more x-rays. After the x-rays were reviewed, they sent me a card that said it was negative; what does that mean? I'm all of a sudden cured? No explaination of any kind, just negative. My cough is getting worse and I finally have come to terms with the fact that I'm not getting better. I have applied for Social Security benefits and they tell me that I'm not eligible for SSI based on household income but I am eligible for benefits from paying into it over the years. All I have to do is supply the necessary paperwork and a copy of my birth certificate. Of course I can't find my birth certificate anywhere so I have to order one from Michigan. Not as easy as I thought it would be.

In the meantime, I can't pay my mortgage or any of my bills, I can't buy groceries, I can't do much of anything. The process can take months and we don't have months to work with. Perhaps making this an easier process for people who really need it would be a great idea.

My husband, Tony, bought a heavy duty air filter for the bedroom. I still feel like I'm choking to death all of the time, but the air filter does help. I have problems being in any other room in the house for too long, or even out in public; especially around smokers.

A good example of this was when we decided to go to the 4th of July fireworks and eventually the smokers in the crowd just about suffocated me to death. I had so much black soot in my nostrals when I got home I couldn't help but wonder what my lungs would look like. Even worse, what their lungs must be like. Seriously, what is the point of smoking and trying to kill yourself or worse, your children? There were two young women sitting right in front of us who were smoking not only around a toddIer sitting in a stroller; but they were sitting on the ground next to him and actually blowing the smoke into his face... just don't get it.

Grandkids: